Helping Children Make Friends in Early Learning Childcare

Making friends in early learning childcare often starts with something small: watching another child build a tower, offering a bucket or returning to the same sandpit game. For parents and whānau, these moments can be reassuring, especially when a child is new, reserved or still finding their voice.

Children do not need to become outgoing to develop meaningful friendships. They need time, familiar people and support to connect in ways that suit them. Here are practical ways families and teachers can help, without turning friendship into another milestone to rush.

What friendship looks like at different stages

Young children show interest in one another in different ways. A baby might smile at a familiar child or copy their sounds. A toddler may choose to play beside someone without sharing a storyline. A preschooler might seek out a particular friend and begin planning games together.

These are broad patterns, not a timetable. A child may enjoy elaborate pretend play one morning and prefer quiet, independent exploration the next.

What you notice	What it might mean	A helpful response
Watching other children from nearby	Your child is learning how the play works	Stay available without insisting they join
Playing alongside another child	Being near a peer feels interesting or comfortable	Offer enough materials for both children
Copying another child’s actions	Imitation may be an invitation to connect	Notice the shared interest without taking over
Seeking the same child repeatedly	A friendship may be developing	Make space for repeated, relaxed play

In early learning childcare, progress may be a child moving closer to a familiar peer rather than joining a whole group. Notice those quieter signs too.

Help your child join a small part of the play

“Go and make some friends” is a big instruction. It asks a child to approach others, understand their game and work out what to say, all at once.

A more useful starting point is noticing what is already happening. If two children are making a road, an adult might say, “They’re building somewhere for the trucks to go. You’ve got a truck too.” Give the child time to observe before offering help.

Offer words that fit the moment

A short, specific phrase is often easier to use than a general request to join. Depending on the game, your child could try:

• “Can my truck drive here?”

• “Would you like another cup?”

• “Can I help dig the hole?”

• “What are you making?”

Practise one or two phrases during relaxed play at home, rather than rehearsing a whole conversation. Children can also connect through gestures, showing an object or copying an action. Spoken English does not need to be the entry ticket to friendship.

If a group says no, help your child manage the disappointment and find another possibility. Not every game can include everyone immediately, but repeated exclusion needs adult attention.

For children in early learning childcare, joining one shared activity is often a more manageable goal than “finding a best friend”.

How teachers support friendships in early learning childcare

Teachers can notice connections that families do not see during a quick drop-off. Two children might repeatedly choose the same books, laugh at the same song or enjoy carrying things together outdoors.

Those observations help teachers offer invitations based on genuine interests. An adult might place a basket of animals near two children who enjoy farm play, then stay close enough to help them communicate without directing every move.

New Zealand’s early childhood curriculum, Te Whāriki, places relationships at the heart of learning. Its contribution strand, Mana tangata, includes learning with and alongside others. Friendship-building belongs within everyday play, not just a separate lesson about being kind.

Ask about moments, not popularity

Instead of asking only, “Does my child have friends?”, try asking which children they seem comfortable with, when they approach others and what helps a shared game continue.

Ask whether your child tends to watch before joining or finds noisy groups tiring. This gives you something practical to work on together rather than a yes-or-no judgement about their social life.

A child who observes carefully may need a familiar invitation rather than more encouragement to speak up. Sharing what works at home also helps teachers understand your child, which is part of building a strong partnership between families and early learning teachers.

Practise friendship at home without adding pressure

Everyday play offers useful practice. Taking turns stirring pretend soup, choosing materials for a drawing or building something together gives children opportunities to ask, wait and respond.

Keep the language concrete. “You’re using the red pencil. I’ll use the blue one while I wait” is easier to understand than “You need to share nicely”. Adults can model patience without expecting children to manage it perfectly themselves.

You can support early learning childcare friendships at home by following your child’s interests rather than arranging activities simply to make them more sociable.

Keep playdates simple and optional

If your child seems interested in spending time with a particular peer, consider a short playdate with one child and a familiar activity. Agree on the arrangements with the other family and stay available to help.

Put treasured possessions away beforehand. Having two spades or several toy vehicles can make early shared play easier, although children will still sometimes want the same item.

End before everyone becomes exhausted. A pleasant, brief visit is more useful than a long afternoon that leaves both children overwhelmed. Playdates are optional, not a requirement for developing friendships.

Help children through disagreements and repair

Friendships include frustration. Children may disagree about who drives the pretend bus, knock over a construction or grab a resource before they can explain what they want.

The aim is not to prevent every disagreement. It is to keep children safe and help them learn what to do next.

Start with safety and calm

If someone is hitting, pushing or grabbing, an adult needs to intervene. Use clear, calm language: “I won’t let you hit. I’m here to help.” Comfort the child who has been hurt and support the other child to settle, without labelling either one as “bad”.

Once children are calmer, describe the problem simply: “You both wanted the big spade.” Then help them consider a workable next step, such as finding another tool or agreeing on a turn with adult support.

Friendship support in early learning childcare should protect children’s boundaries as well as help them negotiate. Children can say no to hugs, ask for space and seek a teacher’s help.

Make repair meaningful

A prompted “sorry” does not necessarily show understanding. Help a child notice the effect of what happened and offer a practical way to repair it: checking whether the other child is all right, helping rebuild a tower or returning an item.

Reconnection does not have to happen immediately. A child who has been hurt may need space before choosing to play together again.

When your child has not found a friend yet

Some children take longer to feel comfortable with peers. A new setting, unfamiliar language, changes at home or a busy environment can make social connection more demanding.

Look at the wider picture. Does your child seem comfortable with a teacher? Are they becoming interested in activities? Do they mention another child, even if they are not playing together yet? These details are more useful than counting friends.

Ask teachers to identify one manageable next step. That might be a supported activity with one familiar peer, a quieter place to play or an invitation involving a favourite interest. The aim is helping every child feel included and able to participate, not expecting everyone to socialise in the same way.

If your child regularly reports being hurt, excluded or frightened, raise it promptly. Ask what staff have observed, what action they will take and when you will review it together. Repeated harm should not be dismissed as ordinary friendship practice.

When distress persists or you have broader concerns about communication or development, discuss these with your child’s teachers and a relevant health professional. Early learning childcare can provide valuable observations, but concerns deserve individual attention rather than a label based on one behaviour.

Frequently asked questions

Does my child need a best friend before starting school? No. It is more useful to support skills such as approaching others, expressing needs, taking turns with help and seeking adult support. A child can feel connected to several peers without having one best friend.

Should I make my child share their toys? Help them learn about turns without expecting them to surrender everything immediately. Protecting an ongoing game, providing extra materials and supporting a clear next turn can be more useful than insisting on instant sharing.

What if my child only wants to play with one person? A close friendship can be comforting. Keep that connection while offering low-pressure opportunities to enjoy other children too. Teachers can help your child find satisfying activities when their preferred friend is away.

Should I ask other children to play with my child? A gentle introduction can help, but avoid putting children under pressure. Ask a teacher about a shared activity that could create a natural opening, then allow the children room to respond.

Make room for friendship at Aubrey

At Aubrey Early Learning Centre, a rural setting near Stillwater, play-based learning and nature-based outdoor play provide opportunities for children to explore alongside others. The 50-child centre has two age-specific rooms and qualified early childhood teachers.

If you are considering early learning childcare, ask how teachers help children join play, navigate disagreements and develop familiar peer relationships. You can enquire about enrolment at Aubrey and share what helps your child feel comfortable with others. Those small details are a useful starting point for supporting their next friendship.